Introducing: The Love Detox

Math has, admittedly, never been my strong suit. So it?s not surprising that prior to the breakup with my live-in boyfriend last week, the following equation hadn?t occurred to me:

I?ve been love-drunk for the past 27 years. And in the aftermath of this most recent breakup?which came immediately on the heels of my divorce?I have found myself with a hangover to beat all hangovers.

Let me explain.

For the past 27 years, I?ve been on a love bender?I have had either a boyfriend, an all-consuming love interest, fianc?, or husband. Lest you think I?m trying to slip one by you, the husband and fianc? were two different people?I never married my fianc?, and was never engaged to my husband, not unlike the ?I am my own grandpa? riddle.

I am 30 years old. My first kiss was at the age of three, and my first boyfriend followed soon after, in pre-school?and it?s been non-stop ever since.

That?s 90% of my life. 90% of my life that has, for better or worse, revolved around who I loved, who I was breaking up with, who I was getting over loving, and who I would love next. I come by my last name honestly.

But surely during those 27 years, I did other things, right? I mean, I think so. I must have. But at the core of it all was always this question: who loves you, baby?

I suspected that quite a lot of those years were spent, for lack of a better term, thinking about boys. But while it was easy to divide 27 by 30 and get 90% I had no way of accurately quantifying how much of those years were spent thinking and talking about the aforementioned love interests.

And so, I decided to do the next best thing to serious scientific research: consult a focus group. Also known as ten of my closest girlfriends, to whom I posed the following questions:

Question 1: If you had to attach a percentage (math, gah! sorry!) what percentage would you say that my conversations/focus is on matters of the heart?

The Average Answer: 67%. I almost spit out my coffee when I calculated this number, but I really shouldn?t have been all that surprised?I had a sneaking suspicion that the number was pretty high.

Question 2: Any observations about my relationship to my relationships/my focus on them? Please don?t hold back?honesty is encouraged here, ladies. Lay it on me.

Highlights include:

A: I would say matters of the heart are your fort?. I remember thinking, when I first met you, that it seemed so appropriate that your last name was Valentine, because you?re all about the love. And fashion. But mostly love.?

?E. You love being in love! ?I would say you?re preoccupied with the thought of it. ?It is my opinion that you have so much love to give that you spend a good part of your time thinking about love, how to make your relationship better, or where you can find the best love for you. Also, you have this knack for picking men who are rather selfish! ?I don?t get it but it seems to be a trend. ?Perhaps it is because you so quickly invest your whole self into the relationship. ?

D: I fear you wrap your world around someone else?s, which invariably collapses when someone doesn?t/can?t/won?t live up to your hopes. If you spend more time doing your own thing, finding love through your own hobbies and fulfilling your own needs, happiness will come on its own. Only you can make yourself happy.

L: I think you feel a big part of who you are, or maybe who successful women are in general, revolve around having a man at your side.

AM: You definitely jump in with both feet! I admire that but I think it might cause a little of the ?lost in love? syndrome where it becomes all about the relationship. I think you are fabulous with or without a man but I have gotten the feeling that you feel better with a man ? more complete. I think a lot of us romantics think that if we find the ?right? relationship it will fix the void that we feel in our lives. There?s too much focus on the relationship and what makes the other one happy instead of if we are happy in the relationship. ?

And so on, and so forth. And: they were right. Every single comment rang true.

Cupid, we have a problem.

Luckily, I think the solution is summed up nicely in my friend Sheila?s response:

What?s really missing isn?t the perfect relationship with someone else?it?s self-acceptance and knowing that you are worthy of amazing things, and worthy of an amazingly loving relationship with yourself, where you approve of yourself right now, imperfections and all.

She?s right. I have been, as the song goes, looking for love in all the wrong places. And it?s clearly time to take a break?to sort through my relationship with love and ultimately, my relationship with myself. Enter: The Love Detox. A one-year detox from love relationships: no boyfriends, no falling in love, no sex, no dating.

I will instead be focusing my considerable (67%!) extra time doing what my darling friends, family, and most everyone else who knows of my love history has subtly and not so subtly hinted at, but which fills me with the type of panic that clearly means you?re on to something:

For the next year, I?ll stop focusing my life on the men I love and have loved, and instead develop the most fabulous relationship imaginable?with myself. I?ll be chronicling the process here, as a way to keep myself honest and accountable?otherwise, if the past is any predictor of the future, I?ll be leaping headlong into what I?m certain is happily-ever-after, lickety-split.

And now, for those famous last words: how hard could it be?

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Source: http://betterinfrench.com/archives/2012/introducing-love-detox/

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